Jared Leto has been seeming mighty adorable for the past few weeks, doing cute Instagram videos, being sweet to his mom, winning Oscars and all that. But now, in what could be the most tragic turn of events ever, Jared is acting a little bit douchey. Here, just check out this thing he said about Jennifer Lawrence falling at the Oscars:
"You know, I'm starting to wonder if this is a bit of an act."
And this thing he said about Jennifer Lawrence calling him out for laughing when she was presenting the Best Actor award:
"She said, 'What are you laughing at?' But what she didn't know was that Ellen [DeGeneres] was on the side…making, pantomiming [motions like], 'Don't fall, don't fall!', and my mom and brother are all cracking up. I guess we don't have manners. You can take them out of Louisiana, but you can't take the Louisiana out of them, right?"
Why does this have to happen, Jared? Why?! Why couldn't you remain perfect and beautiful like you were before? Why did you have to hop aboard the Jennifer Lawrence hate train? Please just stop and go back to the way things were. Please.
Oh hey, friends, what's going on with you tonight? Not a lot? Well, then look at this photo of JWoww as a little girl and spend your whole night weeping from all the cute! Doesn't that sound like fun?! Of course it does! Hooray!
No, guys, this is seriously the whole story here. JWoww posted this photo of herself yesterday, for that Throwback Thursday business, and said that a lot of people had been telling her that she looked like the equally adorable Boo from "Monsters Inc.", and she wanted to know what you think of that. And we think OH MY GOSH HOW DID YOU EVER GET TO BE SO DAMN CUTE?!
Hope you love this as much as we do. Because we love it A LOT.
You all should know by now that we have nothing but the warmest and fuzziest feelings for our dear, dear Courtney Stodden, but let's be real: this is ridiculous, even for her. She's always been into showing off her cleavage, but this dress looks like it was made for a girl a few dozen cup sizes smaller than Courtney. She's always been into plump lips, too, but again, this is just way too much. This looks downright dangerous, and not in a fun, sexy way, in a "someone's going to lose an eye" way.
Verdict: leave it. Love Courtney forever and all, but leave this forever.
The world is basically ending, friends, because Justin Bieber's mom, that wackly ol' Pattie Mallette, has just announced that she wants to have more children. Because nothing screams class like asking for babies via hashtag:
Pattie, honey, listen, if you want to have more kids, go for it. Find yourself a nice man to settle down with and get to making them babies. You don't have to tweet about it. You don't have to write a book about it. Just life your life. Just do that instead of this.
Kylie Jenner, the most ridiculous teenager in the history of the world, has once again proven her ridiculousness by way of Vine. Do you see that video right there, that's just one in a big, long series of videos that Kylie took while driving. Note how fast she's going. Note that complete and utter pointlessness of the risk she's taking here. Note that Kylie is 16 and has already caused a major car accident.
Don't worry though, because Kylie has a totally mature attitude about it all:
And real quick, just in case this didn't get her enough attention:
Girl, stop. This isn't cool, it's just dumb. Stop.
Miley Cyrus is officially disgusting filth. You heard it here fist first, probably a long, long time ago, and now we're here because the note has come due, we want to collect our "told you sos."
See those pictures up there? Miley posted them to her Twitter account, and if you naively thought that maybe Miley just liked to travel on planes with mannequin-looking hands, then you're as sorely mistaken as Miley probably will be after she uses what's actually a dildo that goes by the name of "The Hand of Adonis," an advanced sex toy that's, "not for the faint of heart," and is specially designed for those into fisting.
This is the actual product description -- get ready to be proud:
"The Hand of Adonis is a unique tool for size enthusiasts, or anyone interested in fisting. The ultra realistic, 16 1/2 inch arm ends in a 'duck bill' positioned hand, with thick fingers for lots and lots of sensation. The realistic feeling, SilAgel filled rubber material is firm, yet quite flexible, and able to bend and twist for the perfect fit inside. It's also anti-bacterial, non-toxic, and latex and cadmium free for safe enjoyment. The Hand tool is very large, quite heavy, and so not well suited to beginners, but if you're experienced with large sized toys, you'll love it. Check out the Fist of Adonis too!"
You know what? If Miley's into sex toys and fisting and polyurethane creeper hands, that's her business. There's nothing wrong with experimenting and fetishes, and it's healthy to know and explore your sexual boundaries. But when she shares these grossly inappropriate photos on social media -- for the world to see, and especially the young, impressionable fans that she's telling to be "risque" -- it becomes our business. And this business needs to stop, for crying out loud, because it's getting awful now.
We KNOW you have a vulva, Miley. We KNOW that you probably rub one out on the regular, all while looking at your own tour photos. But you know what? We're growing super weary of you and your exorbitant sex antics, because the schtick is getting really, really old. Pun totally intended.
The only thing worse than Jennifer Lopez "rapping" or whatever it is she's trying to do, is Jennifer Lopez writing songs that are an attempt to out-do Beyonce in the raunch category.
Aren't believing it yet? Here are the some of the accompanying lyrics to Jennifer's "I Luh Ya Papi," and no, I don't know why she can't just properly pronounce her words, either:
I put it down for a brother like you
Give it to you right in the car, that’s you
We can first give you some of this, that’s you
And you’re all loving that J.Lo, true
Hold up, I can get you thrown up
Pull your trigger, go and get your gun up
All the time I hear her talk
Put a pin in it, now I’m ready, let it rock
Keep it number 1, that’s easy mathematics
Keep it number 1, baby, ain’t no static
Got that hourglass for you, baby, look at these legs
No brakes, go green, no red
If you wanna kill the body, gotta start with the head
Put it on you, I’mma need about 4-5 beds
Cause I love my papi
Oh that 24 hour
Feeling like I want one when it’s crowded
If you wanna hear your name, I shout it
Boy, you the shit, go and take a power shower
And I’m feeling like it’s me and you, I don’t doubt it
You can drop it how you want, I ain’t trying to call Miley
I’m loving me some you
Started from the bottom, baby, then we went roof
God. Somewhere in a parallel universe, J Lo's character in "The Wedding Planner" is cringing and hiding behind some bushes.
Oh boy -- just when you got all excited that Katy Perry and Miley Cyrus were gonna give us the biggest, most passive aggressive celebrity feud of the year, Katy went and threatened -- "threatened" -- Miley Cyrus with a good, ol' fashioned spanking, since apparently it's OK to slam your friends' tongues and your friends' boyfriends' tongues as well.
Take it away, Katy:
There you have it, folks. One of the most epic celebrity feuds in the making and it petered out like ... well, basically how Miley's good music did when she decided to record "Bangerz."
@MileyCyrus Oooo gurrrl I'm gonna give you the BIGGEST spanking when I see you in the UK bb!— Katy Perry (@katyperry) March 6, 2014