Look, we've all been kind of bored by Miley Cyrus and her constant stream of nude-ish selfies and tongue-themed nonsense lately. It's getting old and sad, and that's just the truth. And Miley's probably picked up on that by now -- after all, it's been a year since she twerked her way into our hearts at the MTV VMAs, and she hasn't done anything even close to that level since. But this thing she just did, this gross, inappropriate mess she made on Instagram, it's not the way to go about getting attention again.
All right, let's back up. Miley posted this photo to her page:
Aww, looks like Miley shared a cute picture of her little sister, right? That's sweet. But then she wrote out this caption:
my beautiful sister #tigolbitties #wukong #sugatits #sugabear
Miley, NO. Oh dear god, no. This is creepy and weird and awful and most certainly NOT something that you say about your "beautiful sister." You crossed a line, and you crossed it hard, and no amount of cute dog pictures is going to fix it. If you could just spend less time coming up with new ways to be absolutely ridiculous and spend more time coming up with new ways to act like an actual human being, maybe then this kind of atrocities wouldn't happen. Think about it.
You know who's just such an awful person that they'd go ahead and exploit the death of a family member for some fame and some sympathy and some more, you know, fame? Farrah Abraham. Of course she is. We totally figured she'd do basically anything at all for attention, but this is where it gets utterly horrifying and lurid: Farrah went as far as to take an actual photo of her dead grandfather -- who passed away last week -- and then posted it on Twitter.
Let's try this again: she took a picture of a dead man in his casket -- sad, embalmed, and with the obligatory disturbing pancake makeup -- and then shared it with her nearly 1 million followers, thinking it would somehow be an appropriate tribute.
This is what she said about the pic (which you won't see on Fishwrapper, because even we have our limits):
Farrah Abraham, you're a repugnant, awful, self-serving human being. We always try to see the best in people, and even if they're mostly consumed by the terrible things that they might do or say, we feel that there's just got to be a redeeming quality in there somewhere. ... Unfortunately for you, we just don't think there is, and there likely won't ever be.
Birth & burial, So much love & a family who was touched by you.You are the best man we knew <3 you="" grandpa="" a="" href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Heaven?src=hash" data-mce-href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Heaven?src=hash">#Heaven pic.twitter.com/mg0n0KsIqU— Farrah Abraham (@F1abraham) July 30, 2014
... Why would anybody ever take a picture at a wake? Moreover, why would anyone ever think it's necessary to share a photo of their deceased grandfather on social media? Morbid and tacky don't even put a dent in what this is -- this is just abominable.
Vin Diesel ... you have our hearts forever, basically.
Let's celebrate that with some hot shirtless dudes, all right? Would that be OK?
Honestly, just when you think all the dramatic BS is going to end between a particular group of people, it evolves into an entirely different set of BS-sy circumstances that are almost unbearable to watch unfold.
It's like a train wreck, and it becomes nearly impossible to look away. To add insult to injury, you have those who do nothing but rubberneck at these virtual crash sites while throwing more fuel on the fire to watch it burn. That's basically what Khloe Kardashian and Rob Kardashian did just last night, when they incited more of a riot by fanning the fire that Adrienne Bailon started when she blasted the Kardashian label and her cheating ex, Rob Kardashian, himself (and rightfully so; she's entitled to say what she likes, isn't she?).
Both Kim and Kourtney responded to Adrienne's claims in a manner of sorts, and the only ones left saying nothing up until last night were Khloe and Rob ... but Khloe ostensibly put a stop to that quick-like.
In a super classy tweet, assumed to be directed at Adrienne, or at least the circumstances themselves, Khloe simply stated "FDB." If you're unfamiliar with the popular acronym slang, "FDB" is said to mean "f--k dem b---es," or "f--k dat b---h." Rob then had the chivalry and respect (or, you know, bad sense) to retweet it.
What class, y'all. What everlasting class that a group of people who have a certain public notoriety would gang up on one lowly person for speaking her mind and telling a story about her own experience in her own life.
Rob K., we felt a whole lot of pity for you recently, but if your retweet of Khloe's tweet means what we're taking it to mean, then you're not all that piteous anymore ... at least not in the way where we feel genuine sadness for you.
This is Soledad O'Brien, 47, and Hoda Kotb, 49, and this is their no-makeup selfie ... and it's just about the greatest no-makeup selfie we've seen all year long. Literally, from the first of January 2014 to today, this is the one -- the very best and most fun of all.
It's not that the ladies look natural, or that they don't seem to have made their faces malleable through a series of polycarbonate modifications, it's that they look happy and comfortable in their own skin, no matter what they look like on -- or off -- camera.
It's cool, guys. You win. We bow down to the supreme awesomeness that is your loveliness and self-confidence.
Jenni "J Woww" Farley has almost quite literally just birthed her first baby, Meilani, but already the couple is talking about their second child. However, before you get too excited over the prospect of seeing J Woww in all of her maternal glory again, back it off a second: Jenni and her betrothed, Roger Mathews, are considering adoption this time around, and it could just be due to the idea that J Woww "looked" like something out of a horror movie during childbirth ... this, according to Roger, anyway. How rude.
During a recent interview, J Woww quipped that she looked possessed, saying, "He said I looked like 'The Exorcist'." Roger quickly jumped in and threw around the idea of adoption to smooth things over -- and not another biological pregnancy. Roger said, "We've considered adoption. Even before Meilani arrived, we've always said that we'd have two."
And there you have it, folks. We can't begrudge J Woww for maybe not wanting to go through all that again, because if you've ever been pregnant, or ever have been around a lot of pregnant women, or heck, even was a fetus yourself, you might know how difficult gestation and birthing can be. Lots of babies and children need adoption, and it's a noble and wonderful thing. We're not here to judge Jenni for her decisions, but Roger? Pssh, boy ... you want to get back in the bed anytime soon, you better be laying off this "Exorcist" BS.
Right here before you is something very, very special: it's a music video of Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett's cover of "Anything Goes." This is that new jazz thing that Lady Gaga is trying out, remember, because pop isn't treating her so kindly anymore? It's kind of amazing, huh? Well, it's amazing because of Tony Bennett, and it's amazing because this sounds like the exact thing that Lady Gaga needs to be doing at this point in her career. The only thing that's not so amazing is Lady Gaga's actual voice singing this fairly simple-sounding song.
No, no, look, it's not mean. It really is not. Lady Gaga has a beautiful voice, one of the best in pop music these days. She's had a lot of training, and she's done jazz before. This should be phenomenal, but ... it's just not. Something sounds off about her voice here, doesn't it? Maybe she was having an off night -- and to be fair, an off night for her is better than many people's best night -- or maybe it's the little bit of desperation peeking through her voice. But if we're being honest, this just isn't as awesome as it should be.
Try again though, OK, guys? Surely it'll work out. Surely.
"As far as the mummy thing [Katy has dancing mummies with big butts in her stage show], I based it on plastic surgery. Look at someone like Kim Kardashian or Ice-T's wife, Coco. Those girls aren't African-American. But it's actually a representation of our culture wanting to be plastic, and that's why there's bandages and it's mummies. I thought that would really correlate well together… It came from an honest place. If there was any inkling of anything bad, then it wouldn't be there, because I'm very sensitive to people ... I guess I'll just stick to baseball and hot dogs, and that's it. I know that's a quote that's gonna come to f---me in the ass, but can't you appreciate a culture? I guess, like, everybody has to stay in their lane? I don't know."
--Katy Perry discusses accusations of cultural appropriation, manages to say every single awful thing possible.
It's just ... Katy, honey, no. The dancing, big-assed mummy thing, the thing that began this whole rant, it doesn't actually sound all that offensive -- it mostly just sounds like Katy Perry being her wacky self. But alluding to some incorrect stereotype about how only one specific race is allowed to have big behinds, and dragging Kim Kardashian and Coco and plastic surgery that may or may not have happened into her own issues? That's not cool. That is the opposite of cool, and dammit for making us stick up for Kim K again.
All of that isn't even including that pissy little fit she threw at the end of the quote there, the part about baseball and hot dogs. That part's just embarrassing. It makes her seem childish and rude and thoughtless, which is not at all what we want to think of Katy Perry. She definitely has a point, there are some people that are way too sensitive about this sort of thing -- there are people who get offended over bindis, and then there are people who get offended over a white American eating Chinese food -- but this is the kind of thing you say to your best friend, not to a magazine. Because yes, Katy, as you so classily put it, it probably is going to come back to "f--- you in the ass." Hard.