Khloe Kardashian has never shied away from sharing her true feelings no matter what they happen to be, and it's one of the things that we love the most about her. Khloe is, by far, the realest Kardashian, and that counts for so, so much when it comes to things counting in things that don't really matter.
This particular thing, though -- this incredibly self-indulgent and melodramatic thing that she shared with all of her fans, triggers eyerolls at best, and snarky posts on websites at worst. Here:
Dear Human: You've got it all wrong. You didn't come here to master unconditional love. That is where you came from and where you'll return. You came here to learn personal love. Universal love. Messy love. Sweaty love. Crazy love. Broken love. Whole love. Infused with divinity. Lived through the grace of stumbling. Demonstrated through the beauty of ... messing up. Often. You didn't come here to be perfect. You already are. You came here to be gorgeously human. Flawed and fabulous. And then to rise again into remembering.
OK, so we don't all have to be Baby Einsteins to draw conclusions that Khloe *might* actually have posted this little insight with her estranged husband, Lamar Odom, in mind, and not necessarily the good of the world at large. We can probably assume that she's referring to her personal situation, and how she's grown as a result of it.
... The thing is, though, Khloe, you don't have to be so dramatic about it. We realize that you're a TV star and all that, but this kind of drama is just silliness. You're better than this, girl. If you're going to post cheesy "inspirational" messages all over your social media like we all, do, at least get some that ... well, some that make some actual sense.
In the latest issue of Marie Claire, Katy Perry did quite a bit of revealing (not unlike what she basically does every time she opens her mouth these days). This time, however, she revealed maybe a little bit more than she intended to when talking about her previous breakup with current boyfriend, John Mayer. Here's Katy on their last split:
"I took a break from my boyfriend, not one that I wanted. It was like a splash of cold water to search inward on what was going on with me. That is what let me to this new awakening, this realizing, If I don't do some self-love, I'm not going to be able to keep the love that I want. I still needed to deal with all of my ex-husband stuff. I hadn't. It's almost like if I kept talking about it, it would seem like I actually cared about it. I don't."
Does that just about dash your whole entire base of hope that it was John who was chasing Katy around like a lovesick puppy, and not the other way around? Because it sure doesn't sound to be the case, and the only thing perhaps worse than a super smart lady chasing after a smarmy douche and hoping for true love, is a super smart lady chasing after a smarmy douche who has a reputation of being a ladies' man, hoping for true love.
Here are her final thoughts on her relationship with John:
"He's got a brilliant, brilliant mind. It's a rad, mature relationship."
Mm. All right, Katy. We'll take your word for it -- it's "rad" and "mature." OK.
Hey, everybody, look, it's Mary-Kate Olsen and her terrifying boyfriend, Olivier Sarkozy! Aren't they the creepiest? Great news: they also might be the engaged-est, because rumor has it that Mary-Kate has been shopping around for a ring. Heaven help us all.
Allegedly, Mary-Kate visited a jewelry store in L.A. quite a few times recently, "checking out huge engagement rings," like you do. Olivier, Creep Master Supreme, apparently wasn't with her, probably because she knew he would just grab on Mary-Kate's head the whole time and distract her. True love, guys. This is what it looks like.
No, this is sweet, kind of. If they're happy, that's great, and if they're getting engaged, then they're obviously pretty darn happy. And it's not like Mary-Kate has been a perfectly normal, non-creepy girl before this dude came along, so his scary, scary ways probably complement hers, if you think about it. So this could actually be good news! At the very least, it means that there's a solid chance we'll get a hilarious/nightmarish wedding photo of Mary-Kate hunched over in a frumpy old lady dress, and Olivier, with that damned old hand still grabbing onto her head.
Sorry for all the Bieber-related disappointment today (and everyday), but it's Music Monday all over again, and that means that little Justin Bieber has released yet another brand new song. And it's true, he has surprised us a few times with some all right tunes, but this, unfortunately, is not one of them. No, this song is straight up terrible.
It's called "Confident," it features a guy named Chance the Rapper, and it's basically the worst song that ever happened. It's just so incredibly obnoxious, all those stupid repeated lines and noises, all those instances in which Justin refuses to enunciate anything at all ... it's just bad. It's bad, and it should have never even seen the light of day. We know he can do (marginally) better, so he needs to quit with all this awfulness.
WARNING: This video contains adult language and massive amounts of stupidity.
Oh god, you guys, this is a hard one: Tila Tequila just wrote, produced, and released this brand new song called "It's Going Down," and it's ... well, it's a doozy. The song sounds pretty much exactly like what you'd expect, but the lyrics are where things get really bad. If you can't understand them, it's OK, because Tila went through the trouble of typing them up for us. Here's what we really need to look at:
Jewluminati motherf---ers hate me
Oh no they don’t wanna date me
Nor you nor you nor you too
Worldwide Genocide blame it on the jews
So now they call me a nazi
no b---- I’m just good at yhatzee
Espionage is my middle name HA!
I got you good while rolling through yo hood
She then sang, or chanted or grunted or whatever, "Hitler, no, Hi-Tila" a few times. Because if there's one thing the world needs, it's Tila Tequila comparing herself to Hitler. And yes, she's said upfront that this song is satire, but she's also been on Facebook for the past couple of days "trying to open your eyes to the truth that Hitler was NOT as bad as he was painted out to be" (direct quote, for real) and letting everyone know that if you disagree, if you think that Hitler actually was pretty bad, then that's because you are a racist. So let's just tread a little carefully around all this, OK? Because it is the biggest, hottest mess that ever was.
On an unrelated note (unrelated to Hitler, that is, but definitely related to Tila's delusions), this girl is also claiming that Paul Walker's death was a "ritualistic murder," which she knows all about because she was actually the victim of a ritual murder last year. Small world, huh? Small, wacky (upsetting, frightening, strange) world:
I know who killed Elisa Lam. The Mysterious Video of the Girl in Elevator who ended up "mysteriously dead" at the bottom of a closed off water tank. - I believe I am the only person on this entire planet who knows what happened. I knew it the first time news of the strange video started circulating the internet weeks ago. I have just kept my mouth shut because there is a lot more to it and of course.... cases like this.. I just did not want to draw any attention to myself but I know exactly why they did it and yes it was indeed a ritualistic murder. Just like Paul Walker's. However, for Lam's case I have so much detail that it may blow your mind. I know it blew my mind and that's why I was debating on weather or not I should blog about it as I did not want to have anything to do with it... except for the fact that this ritual murder was directly linked to my ritual murder last year..... So... kinda makes it hard for me to talk about, but .......
"Nope, [no boyfriend]. As Justin would say, single and ready to mingle. Please pray for a good husband for me!"
--Pattie Mallette -- or Justin Bieber's mother -- on being single (ugh, and ready to mingle), and this is an absurdity.
Come on, Pattie. You're Justin Bieber's mother, for crying out loud. Do you even know how many fans your son has? Do you know that most of those fans have fathers, and some of them -- imagine this! -- are single dads, divorced dads, or never married dads. There's basically a whole plethora of male parts to go ahead and choose from, and all you need to do is just say the word.
Stop playing coy, and stop these asinine Twitter Q&As, because let's be real: you're a pretty lady. Your son is a successful artist, even if he is a big, gigantor douche. You could basically get any old thing that you want, and yet you're on Twitter making passive aggressive statements about how you're "single" and "ready to mingle." Seriously, who even says that anymore?
Cut to the chase and start chasing, lady. It's 2013, not 1713. Gosh.
This is Kirsten Dunst, looking fresh-faced and happy, while out shopping in Studio City with her mother. Simply beautiful. In light of this, can some celebrities go ahead and take note that you don't need to leave the house in full stage makeup to look good and happy and healthy, Sofia Vergara?
Looking good, girl, but we're completely unsurprised -- basically everything you've ever decided to do in the fashion and beauty department has come out pretty flawlessly. Way to set the example!
Man. Dunno about all you guys, but yours truly was truly prepared to come around here this morning, ready to completely trash Lindsay Lohan's sister, Ali Lohan, for her YouTube debut, but after watching, I just can't.
See, Ali's been an "actress," a "model," and now she's apparently a singer, and you'll notice the lack of quotation marks around the last thing -- and it's because Ali Lohan actually has a really good, if not slightly overly theatrical, voice. She does. She can sing, guys, and here's the moral of the story: don't judge a Lohan until you've been punched in the face on their alleged order. All right? We square?
PS -- this is what Aliana looks like these days: