2013 MTV Video Music Awards -- THE LIVEBLOG
8/25/2013 5:00 PM PDT, by Sarah Taylor
11:21 PM EST (Emily) - And Katy Perry finished the show with an amazing, perfect performance of "Roar." Let's not make this a thing about Katy Perry vs. Lady Gaga, but Katy Perry was better than Lady Gaga. And that's not trying to start a feud, that's just telling the truth.
11:16 PM EST (Emily) - Justin Timberlake just won the Video of the Year Award for "Mirrors." And that's fair, you know? He did do a lot of cool dancing, and it was for his grandparents or whatever. This is OK. (The Video of the Year Award actually should have gone to the clip of Justin dancing with the rest of NSYNC to "Bye Bye Bye," but that is neither here nor there.)
11:06 PM EST (Emily) - Bruno Mars is performing, and isn't it just wonderful? Isn't he so cute? Don't you want to just cuddle him like a little teddy bear? Not one of Miley's teddy bears, obviously. They left the building when she did, most likely to twerk the pain away. #Sad #BANGERZ
10:56 PM EST (Sarah) -- And the Best Male Video goes to ... Bruno Mars for "Locked Out of Heaven." Good thing Miley left, huh? She'd probably be all MAD that she didn't win this award, either.
10:50 PM EST (Sarah) -- Miley is a sore loser, guys. A sore one. Here's what she just said on Twitter:
10:29 PM EST (Emily) - Aww, guys, One Direction won the award for Best Song of the Summer, do you know what that means? One, it means that we live in sad times where "Best Song Ever" is considered the be the best song of any time, two, it means that Robin Thicke was totally robbed (you seriously can't say that "Blurred Lines" isn't the song of the summer here), and three, it means that Miley didn't win any of the awards she was nominated for. We're not going to get to see her and her weird pigtails slobber all over one of them moon men. Sorry for all the heartache, friends.
10:11 PM EST (Emily) - IT'S HAPPENING. Did you see Taylor Swift's face? That's the face of the whole wide world, that look of pure happiness and love. They're doing "Bye Bye Bye" in tuxes. Whoa, did you hear that sound right there? That was the sound of a million ovaries exploding all at once. What a beautiful, delightful sound.
10:08 PM EST (Emily) - What, is he playing the organ now? It's been eight minutes, and we really appreciate "Sexy Back" and all, but this is no joke. NSYNC needs to happen. If it does not happen, then the world is doomed because there is no goodness and hope left in the whole world. Sorry, but it's true.
10:00 PM EST (Emily) - Justin Timberlake just started performing, and if NSYNC doesn't at least do the "Bye Bye Bye" dance, the people will riot. So far he's just doing his lame new stuff, but stay tuned, because this could very possibly be the best moment of our whole entire lives.
9:51 PM EST (Emily) - Macklemore just won the award for the best video with a social message. He's being really, really sweet. See, he's not just a dude who sings fun songs about thrift shops! Are you in love yet?
9:48 PM EST (Sarah) -- Daft Punk announces Best Female Video ... and the winner is (it better not be Miley. Please God, don't let it be Miley and her bear crotch fetish) ... Taylor Swift, which is infinitely better than Miley Cyrus. And she did the faux-surprised Taylor Swift face, y'all! ... Wait. WAIT -- where's Kanye?
9:47 PM EST (Sarah) -- That was Jared Leto who introduced Kanye a few minutes ago, right? Because he looked a lot like Jesus. And in turn, introduced Yeezus. Which is a mindfrag on so many levels, but especially the one where people try to think normal thoughts.
9:40 PM EST (Emily) - Kanye's performing now, apparently he's morphed into a giant shadow monster. Kim Kardashian should be up there with him, showing Miley how to twerk, obviously. Can you imagine Kim twerking? Try it, it'll probably be more entertaining and less terrifying than Kanye's nightmare show.
9:24 PM EST (Emily) - Your friends at Fishwrapper are still reeling from Miley's performance. Did you see her molest Robin Thicke? Did you see Rihanna's face of total disgust as she was halfheartedly clapping? So sad, guys. Tragic, really.
9:17 PM EST (Emily) - It's Miley's turn to perform. She's wearing a teddy bear onesie. She's gyrating and pointing very obviously at her crotch. Her tongue's lolling out of her mouth like an overheated dog. She's twerking. Nobody in the audience is into it. This is where Miley is at in her life right now. How uncomfortable are you, on a scale of one to Hannah Montana twerking with teddy bears?
9:08 PM EST (Emily) - And Selena Gomez just won the award for Best Pop Video for that "Come and Get It" song that won't ever, ever vacate your head! She's being sweet and gracious and painfully adorable, as usual. Taylor Swift gave her a hug. You're watching this preciousness unfold, right?
9:05 PM EST (Emily) - Well, that was disappointing, wasn't it? Lady Gaga put on a bunch of old wigs and old costumes and smeared some of that clown makeup on her face because she can't even bother to slap on a meat pantsuit or whatever. Isn't that Lady Gaga's whole thing, the shock factor? We've literally seen this all before, honey. Reach further into your bag of tricks. You know, the one that had all those Kermit puppets and the lobster hat.
9:01 PM EST (Emily) - And right now Lady Gaga's head is in a box, y'all. Because ART. Things are about to get real.
8:58 PM EST (Emily) - How flawless does Taylor Swift look though? Every single time, just one hundred percent gorgeous. That curled hair, that red lipstick, that lovely gown ... are you dying or what?
8:36 PM EST (Sarah) -- Selena Gomez looks gorgeous. GORGEOUS. See the gallery for the full effect, because when compared to Miley's horror, Katy Perry's grill, and Richard Simmons' stretchpants, she is totally coming out on top.
8:33 PM EST (Sarah) -- Katy should be talking about the grill. Because she's got a grill, guys. A grill. And she changed her mind about "sh-- getting real dark," guys, and she decided to let the light in instead. Isn't that sweet?
8:21 PM EST (Sarah) -- The red carpet arrivals have started, y'all. They're here. It's happening. All sorts of crazy things -- Katy Perry's got a grill, Miley Cyrus is twerking her way into your world, Austin Mahone and his cronies are trying to show NSYNC up already with his pre-show performance ... it's all happening here, and we're here to cover it all as it happens. WATCH IT UNFOLD. You're so, so welcome (and so are you, Miley. So are you).