Miley Cyrus' Best Friend is Shameful

8/27/2013 9:00 AM PDT, by Sarah Taylor
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All right, so here's basically what's happening -- Kelly Clarkson tweeted a not-so-cryptic message yesterday about the VMAs, and most people -- like yours truly and this shady Cheyne Thomas character -- took to be about Miley Cyrus and her gross VMA performance. Here's what it said: 
Right? OK. It was basically Kelly Clarkson, telling it like it is, because Miley's VMA singing was pretty pitchy, and she did gyrate on a stage like a common stripper, bouncing her ass to and fro, wagging her tongue like it was supposed to be some kind of seduction flag. Some people said Kelly was spot-on, some people thought not, but at the end of the day almost everybody was in agreement that what Kelly said wasn't nearly as personally offensive as some of the stuff seen everywhere else on the internet. 

Cut to Miley's BFF, Cheyne. Cheyne, who we're not going to laugh at for spelling his name "Cheyne," when it's clearly pronounced "Shane," because what good would that do? 

Cheyne decided that he was going to defend his bestie's honor by eviscerating Kelly on Twitter, calling her fat and desperate and sad and -- oh man, he must have been mad -- 30. He called her 30, because 30 must be so awful (Disclosure: 30 is so not awful, because 30 is my current reality, and 30 is super). Here it is: 
So, here it is -- Cheyne, grow the F up. Honestly. Until you're a real man who doesn't take swings at people by judging them by their physical appearance, nobody's going to take you seriously. That's basically the start and finish of the conversation. Your girl Miley made a mistake at the VMAs, and not many people are going to argue that point. What she did is not the end of the world, and it's not like her career is dead or over. People are going to eventually not be fascinated by her hot mess of a performance, and life's gonna go on. 

By the way, we know, we know; you weren't "starting a battle," and you don't even know what the term "sarcasm" means, because if you did, you wouldn't defend calling Kelly Clarkson "fat" and "sad" and "30" if you were being sarcastic. Check out the definition, OK, pal?
But wait -- judging someone by their body shape isn't serious? It's not called, I don't know, "bullying"? ... No, I guess it wouldn't be a serious thing if you're a spoiled little hipster-wannabe with rich friends and a sense of omniscient entitlement. 

One thing is certain, though, Cheyne -- you were right about one thing. The whole "not to be taken seriously"? Believe this -- we've got that part down pat, all right?
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