Katy Perry is the cutest person in the whole wide world already, everybody knows that, so what could possibly make her even the tiniest bit cuter? What could Katy Perry add to her life to make her more lovable than she already is?
A PUPPY NAMED BUTTERS, THAT'S WHAT!
Yes, that darling little doggy right there is Butters, Katy's newest baby. Couldn't you just die? He's so fuzzy and perfect and god, how can the world even handle this much cuteness? How?!
Look, it's not a secret that we're not really Lady Gaga fans around these parts, but we arefans of common decency and respect, and that's why we're going to all think good thoughts for Lady Gaga today, all right? Her family's dog passed away last night, and she's really, really upset about it. You can tell because she wore that mourning outfit you see above, and also because she tweeted these things:
My puppy Alice died. We had to put her down, cancer ate away at a little angel. My daddy is so sad, we all are, lost a member of our family— Lady Gaga (@ladygaga) October 30, 2013
I love being an entertainer but it is so painful sometimes to be away from home 17 years she held on, so many memories. Nothing beats family— Lady Gaga (@ladygaga) October 30, 2013
Feel better, Gaga. It wasn't your fault that you couldn't be there. She knew you loved her!
I remember her laying my bed, she knew when I was sad, or when I was sick. I should have been there. I just pray Alice found her wonderland.— Lady Gaga (@ladygaga) October 30, 2013
Here's your favorite legendary Lothario, Tiger Woods, and he's giving his new girlfriend, Lindsey Vonn, the stink eye because she had the sheer audacity to put a very domesticated animal on his shoulder -- an animal that goes by the name of Sammy the Squirrel -- and guys, dude needs to chill. By the way he recoiled and snottily looked at both his girl and the squirrel, you'd think she went and took a big gigantic dump on his back (the squirrel, not his girlfriend).
LIGHTEN UP, TIGER.
So Sarah Silverman basically had one of the cutest little dogs living, and now Sarah Silverman's got one of the cutest little dogs in doggie heaven, because her beloved mutt, "Duck," died this past week. Duck was approximately 19 years old, and if you've ever had a dog for 19 years (or even 14, which is how long Sarah had Duck) then you might know the pain of having to watch that friend being put to sleep. It's not a nice feeling.
Sarah wrote a really moving obituary for Duck, and if you don't feel for the girl after reading this, then you probably don't have a heart:
Duck "Doug" Silverman came into my life about 14 years ago. He was picked up by the State running through South Central with no collar, tags or chip. Nobody claimed or adopted him so a no-kill shelter took him in. That’s where I found him -- at that shelter, in Van Nuys. Since then we have slept most every night together (and many lazy afternoons.) When we first met, the vet approximated his age at 5 ½ so I’d say he was about 19 as of yesterday, September 3, 2013.
He was a happy dog, though serene. And stoic. And he loved love.
Over the past few years he became blind, deaf, and arthritic. But with a great vet, good meds, and a first rate seeing-eye person named me, he truly seemed comfortable.
Recently, however, he stopped eating or drinking. He was skin and bones and so weak. I couldn’t figure out this hunger strike. Duck had never been political before. And then, over the weekend, I knew. It was time to let him go.
My boyfriend Kyle flew in late last night and took the day off from work to be with us. We laid in bed and massaged his tiny body, as we love to do – hearing his little “I’m in heaven” breaths.
The doctor came and Kyle, my sister, Laura and I laid on the bed. I held him close – in our usual spoon position and stroked him. I told him how loved he was, and thanked him for giving me such happiness and for his unwavering companionship and love. The doctor gave him a shot and he fell asleep, and then another that was basically an overdose of sleeping meds. I held him and kissed him and whispered to him well passed his passing. I picked him up and his body was limp – you don’t think about the head – it just falls. I held him so tight. And then finally, when his body lost its heat, and I could sense the doctor thinking about the imminent rush hour traffic, I handed him over.
My longest relationship.
My only experience of maternal love.
My constant companion.
My best friend.
Doesn't this just get you, guys? Sarah had this dog for 14 years -- 14! -- which means that she got Duck when she was around 28 years old. She had him for some of the most formative years of her adult life, and now he's gone. Poor Sarah.
Guys, stop what you're doing right now. Stop whatever you're doing, get up, and go look out of the nearest window. Do you see this precious angel's face?
If so, then call up Jeremy Renner, because that's his missing dog! The dog's name is Hemi, and he's one of Jeremy's French bulldogs. He's been missing since July 19th, and as if this wasn't sad enough already, the dog needs his hip medication. Find Hemi! If you do, you get a $5,000 reward, cuddles with the precious puppy, and also the knowledge in your heart that you've done something good to a really good actor who did a creepily good job in a movie about Jeffrey Dahmer.
... Have you found him yet? Stop playing games and get out there!
Sorry if you weren't prepared to witness what an amazing person Kevin Spacey is. Sorry if you thought it would just be some story about him supporting a charity or doing another great movie or something. Sorry if you didn't expect to see pictures of him cuddling with an adorable little puppy dog.
Oh, by the way, Kevin just adopted this precious little baby and named her Boston, in honor of the recent Boston Marathon bombing victims. Has your heart exploded yet? That last little fact probably sealed the deal, huh? Sorry.
Today is Kristen Stewart's birthday, you guys! What did you get her? Did you send her a card, at least? Well, if you didn't, then for one, you should feel ashamed, but for two, you should feel comforted, because Robert Pattinson is reportedly getting her the best gift already: another dog! Hooray!
Putting the enthusiasm for dogs aside (YAY DOGS!), you have to consider that this is a pretty good way to shut up all the people who brought up the possibility of a Robsten breakup during these past couple months. A pet is a commitment, of course, and it's a commitment that these two have already made twice before. You might remember precious Bernie, the dog that Rob and Kristen adopted together a few months after that whole cheating incident. These guys are familiar with rumor-crushing pet adoptions, you see.
This is all still theoretical at this point, though, all right? The word is that Rob is just planning on taking Kristen out looking for another dog to adopt for her birthday, so they haven't gotten it already. So they may still break up. We really won't know anything until we see a new dog: then we'll know that Robsten remains unbroken, for about six more months or so, anyway.