Oh hey, friends, what's going on with you tonight? Not a lot? Well, then look at this photo of JWoww as a little girl and spend your whole night weeping from all the cute! Doesn't that sound like fun?! Of course it does! Hooray!
No, guys, this is seriously the whole story here. JWoww posted this photo of herself yesterday, for that Throwback Thursday business, and said that a lot of people had been telling her that she looked like the equally adorable Boo from "Monsters Inc.", and she wanted to know what you think of that. And we think OH MY GOSH HOW DID YOU EVER GET TO BE SO DAMN CUTE?!
Hope you love this as much as we do. Because we love it A LOT.
Miley Cyrus is officially disgusting filth. You heard it here fist first, probably a long, long time ago, and now we're here because the note has come due, we want to collect our "told you sos."
See those pictures up there? Miley posted them to her Twitter account, and if you naively thought that maybe Miley just liked to travel on planes with mannequin-looking hands, then you're as sorely mistaken as Miley probably will be after she uses what's actually a dildo that goes by the name of "The Hand of Adonis," an advanced sex toy that's, "not for the faint of heart," and is specially designed for those into fisting.
This is the actual product description -- get ready to be proud:
"The Hand of Adonis is a unique tool for size enthusiasts, or anyone interested in fisting. The ultra realistic, 16 1/2 inch arm ends in a 'duck bill' positioned hand, with thick fingers for lots and lots of sensation. The realistic feeling, SilAgel filled rubber material is firm, yet quite flexible, and able to bend and twist for the perfect fit inside. It's also anti-bacterial, non-toxic, and latex and cadmium free for safe enjoyment. The Hand tool is very large, quite heavy, and so not well suited to beginners, but if you're experienced with large sized toys, you'll love it. Check out the Fist of Adonis too!"
You know what? If Miley's into sex toys and fisting and polyurethane creeper hands, that's her business. There's nothing wrong with experimenting and fetishes, and it's healthy to know and explore your sexual boundaries. But when she shares these grossly inappropriate photos on social media -- for the world to see, and especially the young, impressionable fans that she's telling to be "risque" -- it becomes our business. And this business needs to stop, for crying out loud, because it's getting awful now.
We KNOW you have a vulva, Miley. We KNOW that you probably rub one out on the regular, all while looking at your own tour photos. But you know what? We're growing super weary of you and your exorbitant sex antics, because the schtick is getting really, really old. Pun totally intended.
The only thing worse than Jennifer Lopez "rapping" or whatever it is she's trying to do, is Jennifer Lopez writing songs that are an attempt to out-do Beyonce in the raunch category.
Aren't believing it yet? Here are the some of the accompanying lyrics to Jennifer's "I Luh Ya Papi," and no, I don't know why she can't just properly pronounce her words, either:
I put it down for a brother like you
Give it to you right in the car, that’s you
We can first give you some of this, that’s you
And you’re all loving that J.Lo, true
Hold up, I can get you thrown up
Pull your trigger, go and get your gun up
All the time I hear her talk
Put a pin in it, now I’m ready, let it rock
Keep it number 1, that’s easy mathematics
Keep it number 1, baby, ain’t no static
Got that hourglass for you, baby, look at these legs
No brakes, go green, no red
If you wanna kill the body, gotta start with the head
Put it on you, I’mma need about 4-5 beds
Cause I love my papi
Oh that 24 hour
Feeling like I want one when it’s crowded
If you wanna hear your name, I shout it
Boy, you the shit, go and take a power shower
And I’m feeling like it’s me and you, I don’t doubt it
You can drop it how you want, I ain’t trying to call Miley
I’m loving me some you
Started from the bottom, baby, then we went roof
God. Somewhere in a parallel universe, J Lo's character in "The Wedding Planner" is cringing and hiding behind some bushes.
Oh boy -- just when you got all excited that Katy Perry and Miley Cyrus were gonna give us the biggest, most passive aggressive celebrity feud of the year, Katy went and threatened -- "threatened" -- Miley Cyrus with a good, ol' fashioned spanking, since apparently it's OK to slam your friends' tongues and your friends' boyfriends' tongues as well.
Take it away, Katy:
There you have it, folks. One of the most epic celebrity feuds in the making and it petered out like ... well, basically how Miley's good music did when she decided to record "Bangerz."
@MileyCyrus Oooo gurrrl I'm gonna give you the BIGGEST spanking when I see you in the UK bb!— Katy Perry (@katyperry) March 6, 2014
Ke$ha -- or, as she's changed her Twitter handle and is in the process of rebranding herself, "Kesha Rose" -- is out of rehab, and both looking and sounding great. If she's working on her self-worth, the Twitter move was a good one, because her former username was "Keshasuxx," and that's not very positive, now is it?
Kesha shared this photo on Twitter after touching down in Los Angeles last night, and then posted a few inspirational quotes shortly thereafter:
life is beautiful. I'm so blessed to have u all ❤️️— kesha (@KeshaRose) March 7, 2014
It's great to see Kesha back on her feet again, and we wish her nothing but the best of recoveries after her stint in rehab -- girl's got talent and heart, and as long as she doesn't allow the business to consume her, I'm pretty sure she's gonna be all right.
Happy to be back! Feeling healthy & working on tons of new music🐱I can't thank my fans enough for all the love & support u have given me❤️️— kesha (@KeshaRose) March 7, 2014
Courtney Stodden hit the beach this week, and she hit the beach hard. With her boobs. And her lips. You won't ever forget this, promise.
You've been warned -- the above photo gallery includes some things that you never thought breast implants could do. Technology or whatever, am I right?
Jessica Simpson is still doing the Weight Watchers stuff, and she still looks great, but it begs the question -- when is enough, enough?
Jess was probably at her thinnest whilst dating John Mayer, but then the stress of that relationship would likely make anybody avoid food as much as possible, and obviously at her heaviest during and immediately after her pregnancies. Jess has never allowed her weight to dictate her happiness, but yet has recently said that she is "happier than ever," but let's hope that it has more to do with the fact that she's a generally wonderful person who has 2 adorable children and a soon-to-be-husband that isn't so bad himself, and not because she's thinner than ever.
Looking good -- as always -- Jess, but let's just make sure you're doing what you're doing for you, and not for anyone -- or anything -- else.