4/11/2014 9:00 AM PDT
Before we get started, let's just say that Beyonce is almost inhumanly gorgeous. She is a beautiful person. Her body is to die for, and so is her face, she is stunning. All right, now that we've said all that, we can say this: what on earth is going on with that crazy thigh gap up there?!
In case you hadn't heard, Beyonce is bootylicious. Guys, she's said so herself. She's said that her body is too bootylicious for you (baby), and that means that she has a big booty. A big, glorious booty. And you know what generally happens when a lady has a big booty? She has bigger thighs to hold it up. And that's certainly the case for Beyonce -- check out that photo on the right. Yep, any way you slice it, Beyonce has that incredible booty/thigh situation going on. And so what's the deal with the photo on the left?
Thigh gaps are really in right now (even though your beauty in no way, shape, or form depends on the amount of space between your legs, in case you didn't know), and in that photo, Beyonce has a pretty massive thigh gap. She also has some weird curves going on in the inner thigh area, and not to be creepy, but if you look right below her crotch region, it kind of looks like the grass in the background there doesn't match up with the grass around her. So did she Photoshop that gap in there? Is this just a bizarre shot? We don't know, friends. But we do know this: dang, Beyonce is hot.
4/10/2014 4:30 AM PDT
You know how we generally feel about Beyonce and her horrifically insulting musical antics, but we're going to allow ourselves to separate entirely from that dramatic business long enough to appreciate what a gorgeous woman Beyonce is. How Beyonce, apparently, needs no makeup nor hair stylists, and no glamorous clothes to prove the fact that she is one astonishing-looking woman, despite any allegations of prior plastic surgery.
Here are some photos of Beyonce's latest vacation to the tropics, and suffice it to say, her photos came out way, way better than the Thai Kardashian Selfie Assault of 2014, because obviously.
3/17/2014 1:00 PM PDT
Guess what, everybody! Bill O'Reilly still really dislikes Beyonce in what feels like a borderline racist way, isn't that just the sweetest thing?! Last week, remember, Bill took a moment to talk about how Beyonce's new music video is pretty sleazy -- which, true -- and how it sends a bad message to "girls of color." See, Bill here has a bad habit of making a kind of decent point and then covering it up with so much nonsense that it doesn't even matter anymore. And, well, wouldn't you know it, he went and did it again.
Bill was on David Letterman's show recently, and here's what he said, from Huffington Post:
"Here's my question for Beyonce if she ever came on my program. She has $350 million in the bank...she doesn't have to do this. I mean some of these thugs, that's all they can do. But she doesn't have to! ... Look, these girls love you-- they idolize you-- you have all the money you need. Do some uplifting stuff. You'll sell as many records."
Oh, Bill, you silly, silly man. We've said this time and time again, but we'll say it again, since it never seems to stick in: stop. Just stop. Hush and stop. You're embarrassing yourself with this, and no one needs anymore Bill O'Reilly embarrassment. Not ever.
3/13/2014 3:00 AM PDT
Bill O'Reilly is a little extremist for my personal tastes, but he does have a lot of clout in the political analysis world -- people watch him on television, echo his sentiments, and now he's crossed over into celebrity territory, interviewing record label co-founder Russell Simmons on Beyonce's super-raunchy video for "Partition," something we also feel quite strongly about.
After watching the video, you'll likely come to the same conclusion I did: Bill's thoughts about the sentiments that are triggered by the horror that is Beyonce's "Partition" video and its accompanying lyrics, is right: Beyonce is morally wrong, irresponsible, and sets a terrible example for naive, impressionable people at large.
However, when O'Reilly brings race into the discussion, he almost wholly nullifies his point, because impressionability and vulnerability know no color -- there are just as many aimless white folks like himself as there are any other ethnic and race groups of "color," as he so brashly puts it. Bill is entirely in the wrong when it comes to this development, and you'll see why. Check the video out:
Bill goes on about helping at-risk children who are in the absence of positive parental figures, an action that's both beneficial and necessary in a changing world where so many people care only about themselves and who aren't willing to extend a helping hand or exhibit the necessary guidance to change a youth's life. Bill realizes that the simple action of reaching out could set the aforementioned youth on an entirely different path.
Bill says, "Teenage girls look up to Beyonce -- especially girls of color. Why would [Beyonce sing about sex in the backseat of a limo] when she knows the devastation of unwanted pregnancies ... why would she want to do that? I believe an entertainer like Beyonce ... has an obligation to protect [kids] -- not put out exploitative garbage that you know harms impressionable children. ... I think that what Beyonce has done here is inexplicable ... what about the kids who don't have amazing [parents]? Beyonce in the back of a limo having sex and referencing Monica Lewinsky is art?"
No, Bill, it's not art -- it's pure trash that's not female empowerment, no matter how you slice and dice it and bend it to fit your own personal agenda. It's not art, it's slavery. It reinforces the notion that women are made for the sole purpose of sex -- the raunchier and more submissive, the better. In "Partition," Beyonce unwisely attempts to speak for all of us -- as the role model she professes to try to be -- when she makes lewd comments about how a man "Monica Lewinsky-d" all over her dress.
Beyonce is smart and talented, and she knows it. But Beyonce is also a shrewd businesswoman, and has enough sense (desensitivity?) to realize that what she's marketing, people are going to buy and emulate, and some of the more impressionable folks are going to take it as creed.
Beyonce does have a responsibility to lead all -- not only "children of color," that absurd thing that O'Reilly referenced -- by example, and if getting squirted on in the back seat of a moving vehicle is the example she's trying to go for, then maybe it's time that Beyonce pack it in and put her chains of male dominance and female submission right back on and quit altogether.
Half a point for Bill; still none for Beyonce.
2/26/2014 6:00 AM PST
No doubt that Beyonce's new track, "Partition" is catchy. It's not bad. Yeah, she doesn't do a whole lot of singing in it -- it's more like grunting and Bey-rapping and sass -- but that's become Beyonce's style as of late. However, the raunch factor is pretty high, and it's starting to feel like trashy is bey-coming girlfriend's schtick ... and she doesn't quite realize that Rihanna and Miley Cyrus have respective corners on that particular market.
Come to think of it, even if the video isn't visually disturbing -- because no lie, it's hot -- the message is what could be construed as even further detrimental to Beyonce's message of undying feminism. Check out the lyrics:
Driver roll up the partition please/ I don't need you seeing Yonce on her knees ...
Oh he so horny, yeah he want to f---
He popped all my buttons, and he ripped my blouse
He Monica Lewinsky-ed all on my gown
I just wanna be the girl you like, the girl you like
Why are you so concerned about being the kind of girl he likes, Bey? Doesn't that go against everything you've been peddling over the years about how it's all about you, and how you feel about yourself in your own skin, and not relying on another person to validate you to the point where you want to be something that you might not be? Yeah, it's just a song -- but come on. Let's do some real music here, girl. We know you've got something better hiding than this simpering, sexual alter-ego, right? It's getting old fast, friend.
1/27/2014 4:00 AM PST
It's a damn good thing Miley Cyrus opted to stay home and play Guitar Hero last night instead of going to the Grammys, because the world wouldn't be able to stand all the raunch in one place in one single night.
Beyonce's opening performance of "Drunk in Love" was, at best, self-indulgent and grasping at straws. At worst, it was inappropriate, more offensive than Miley's VMA performance, and generally sad.
The fact of the matter is that girlfriend is just past her musical prime. We don't care about all the single ladies anymore. We don't need to see what Beyonce looks like in a thong any longer, because like Miley's overexposed vulva has taken us to new heights. And twerking? So passé.
Truth be told, Beyonce can't even sing to the degree that she used to be able to anymore. She shrills off-key and mutters instead, and relies on shock factor, sex, and visual stimulants to get people talking about her performances.
In short, Beyonce is basically over. We never thought we'd be longing for the days of Miley Cyrus and her Beetlejuice twerking, and honestly, if Miley had pulled off last night's performance instead of Beyonce, she'd never live it down. Woe betide she who encourages us to defend Miley Cyrus over basically anything.
1/17/2014 7:00 AM PST
Just when you thought you'd seen some pretty hot asses this year, Beyonce -- in true Beyonce form -- put most of her competition to shame when she shared this photo with her Instagram followers last night.
There's no more story here. It's all over. It's Friday, Beyonce's bum has won the game, and now everybody should just go home and bow down practice their best back arches. ... Except for Bey -- she's got this business on lockdown forever.