Hey, check it out! It's Beyonce, looking pretty gorgeous as per normal, and as you can see, she's taking that whole "surfboard" term to a different level. ... Yeah, it's not exactly the level you'd like her to take it to on IG, and you envisioned something much more seductive when you imagined Beyonce having basically anything to do with a surfboard, but alas, here it is -- however you want to take it, Beyonce is atop some wood, and yup, surfboard surfboard.
Thanks for the yuks, Bey! Too cute!
If there's any one way that's pretty fail-safe in solidifying the public's idea that you're marriage is in trouble, it's to post cutesy family photos amidst all the rumors; the end.
No, but seriously, there are lots and lots of silly rumors going around that Beyonce's going to leave Jay-Z after their "On the Run" tour, and that it's supposed to be this big, dramatic thing, but guys -- guys. Think this through for one second: how nonsensical would it be for Jay and Bey to break up -- at all, period -- when their relationship (and professional partnership) is so financially and creatively lucrative? Despite your feelings about either or both of them, It's probably just not going to happen, sorry.
And since Jay and Bey likely realize what we've realized, this is why we're kind of on cute family photo overload, and don't get us wrong: we'd much, much rather experience a constant onslaught of photos like this rather than the extraordinarily uncomfortable alternative, which is watching Beyonce pretending she actually cares about doing that whole surfboard-surfboard on stage with the man she's with -- for something like what, 14 years? -- over the next eight weeks.
Come on. Quit playing games, girl, and just do the damn music. We don't need the theatrics of simulated sex -- it's old hat -- nor do we need to be constantly reminded that you guys have an adorable family. It's a given, and god bless.
Does yours truly personally think that Beyonce and Jay-Z are going to split after "On the Run"? Well, no. But we'll see sometime after September 13th, won't we?
Whatever Beyonce has to do with "50 Shades of Grey" is probably not good, even if it's just lending "Crazy in Love" to the movie or even just one of the movie's trailers, but alas, here it is -- the "50 Shades of Grey" teaser trailer (the latest trailer drops on Thursday, July 24th), and surely we'll see and hear more of Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele, and Beyonce's creepy, melancholy version of "Crazy in Love."
Beyonce and Jay-Z got one thing right during their overpriced, ultra-violent tour: they slammed Justin Bieber during their show the other night in Miami, showcasing Justin's mugshot in a montage of celebrity mugshots, allegedly claiming, "Even the greatest can fall."
While we can take that with a grain of salt and translate it to mean, "Yeah, everybody messes up, even those most idolized for whatever," we can also not take it with a grain of salt, run with it hard, and say that they think Justin Bieber has fallen to the point of gracelessness and isn't ever getting back up ever again, and wouldn't that just be a musical treat to feast on for the rest of your life?
Beyonce + Jay-Z, 1 -- Bieber, -482.
Beyonce and Jay-Z debuted their ultraviolent "On the Run" tour last night in Miami, and those who could afford the bajillion-dollar tickets were treated to the couple's super-secret wedding footage and Beyonce's tight ass. It was a win-win situation for everyone, but mostly for Bey and Jay, who probably made more than you and I ever will -- combined -- over the course of our lifetimes in just one night of ticket sales.
The wedding footage was pretty sweet, and it goes to show you that they didn't fly to Mars or something on a private space shuttle (OR DID THEY), Elvis officiating the union, but that ass? Well. It was probably worth the lifetime of servitude some probably pledged in order to get themselves into this concert.
Looking good, guys!
Warning: this video contains lots of violence, and just bad life choices in general.
Oh, look, everybody, it's a brand new awful trailer for that On the Run tour that Beyonce and Jay Z are doing together, aren't you just so excited and/or repulsed?! You really, really should be (the repulsed part, specifically). This trailer is very similar to that first trailer that we saw, which makes sense, because it's mostly just a bunch of scenes from the first trailer put together without all that pesky dialogue and plot stuff to get in the way. This way, you get to focus solely on the violence, and isn't that just the greatest?
It's just dumb, guys. Sorry if you feel like Beyonce is some kind of untouchable queen, but it's just dumb. First of all, why do you need a trailer for a tour anyway? Just do the music and stop trying to be so fancy. And if you are going to do a trailer, then why choose this whole guns and violence and crime theme? If that's the theme of their tour, well, that's not going to be fun for anyone. And in this day and age, there's just absolutely no sense in popular celebrities glorifying violence like this. It's irresponsible, sure, but mostly it's just plain stupid.
Would it really be so silly to expect them to do better? Or to put in some kind of formal request that they do better? Either way it happens, this is really just unacceptable.
"[Beyonce] is a pretty popular woman and she's married to a very powerful man, but she's still selling sex. She's selling a lot of sex to teeny-boppers. I don't know. ... I like her! I don't dislike her! But I don't pay any attention to that because -- I mean, she's fantastically beautiful and dances, but, you know, it's very suggestive. If I was a 10-year-old, I would try to emulate her like most 10-year-olds do.
For me, young girls are too sexually available! ... So, I shouldn't even talk about Beyonce because, hard as it is to believe and as much as she is present in the culture, I'm not terribly conversant with Beyonce.
The culture is so sexualized with girls and women. I was in a recording studio and a little girl who was about 4 years old was watching TV, and somebody's dancing on the TV in very elaborate sexually overt dance steps and the little girl goes, 'Oh, she's hot'. I'm thinking, this is a 4-year-old!"
--The ever-talented and always truthful Lily Tomlin on Beyonce, one of our semi-least favorite folks to discuss around there here parts, and she's so right. She's basically saying everything that we've been saying for months, now, if not longer: Beyonce's not breaking any musical ground, and she's not putting up fronts that people can't see through, because we have eyes and we're smarter than that.
What Beyonce -- and others like Miley Cyrus -- is doing is helping to create another generation of children who are going to grow up to be like what Paris Hilton was like during her very worst years, and friends, that is not "hot."