11/23/2015 4:00 AM PST
When you look back at the decade before this one, those truly remarkable aughts, it seems like an entirely different world. It doesn't seem possible that some of the things that happened then could happen now, and possibly the best example of that is Kevin Federline. Imagine K-Fed rising to infamy today, attaching himself to the biggest pop star in the world and ... no, it's too frightening to consider. But we all remember what K-Fed was like, how he Federlined his was through the years, and he's doing the same damn thing today, except this time he's getting his dirty paws all over Beyonce. Oh hell no.
It's not as serious as it could be -- Beyonce didn't marry him or anything, obviously. It's just that Kevin thought it was a good idea to get a little mean on Twitter about Beyonce's look at the fight on Saturday night:
No, Kevin. No. Stop. No. How is it possible that in all these years, after all the things that the world has tried to teach him about how to act right, that he still does stupid things like this? We're not buzzing around in no Beyhive or anything, but Beyonce is beautiful and has always been beautiful, and while she does look a touch different these days, it's not like she's some plastic surgery horror story by any means.
Basically, this was rude and uncalled for and dumb. And oh, how wonderful it would be if we could say we're surprised.
11/16/2015 8:00 AM PST
Just kidding, guys, nobody's done anything with Beyonce -- that's her in both of those photos. It was just a little alarming to see the picture on the right, which she posted yesterday on Instagram, because we usually visualize her looking more like the photo on the left, which was taken in 2003. And sure, she's aged 12 years between these two photos, and 12 years will make a person look different, but we think there's a little more to it than that. Because she really looks quite a bit different, doesn't she?
Hey, maybe it's the makeup! Beyonce usually goes for a more natural look, so maybe if we had an older photo to compare this new one to, one where she's wearing similarly dramatic makeup, maybe then we'd be able to figure this out:
So that's 2002 Beyonce with a red lip and heavy eyeliner ... still a little too different, right? We can't really say what's happening here, but we can say that some mysteries just weren't meant to be solved, and this may be one of them. And what a shame, too, because this sure is bugging the hell out of us.
10/20/2015 9:00 AM PDT
This is so sad to say, almost too sad to even consider, but it's the truth and we must face it: Beyonce is kind of unbearable these days. No matter how much we used to get down to Destiny's Child, no matter how much we used to insist that if you truly liked it then you would obviously put a ring on it, no matter how beautiful Beyonce, even, her silliness has gotten out of hand and we simply cannot condone it any longer. That fact was never more clear as it is in her brand new interview.
Yeah, that cover she did for Beat magazine? She spoke with them as well in what's apparently her first print interview in two years. But before you get excited in thinking that Queen Bey is actually lowering herself to saying meaningful words that could manage to reach her subjects, please know that the interview is absolute nonsense. Instead of telling us about precious little Blue Ivy or discussing any music that may be in the works or stating her thoughts on anything even vaguely important, she answered questions about pizza and Netflix. Disappointment can cut like a knife, can't it?
But as much as we may not like it, this is the only Beyonce that we have. We can't change the way she is now, but we can feign interest when she says that she likes pizza with "extra tomato sauce and jalapeños" and that the last song that got stuck in her head was "'Jugg' by Fetty Wap." We can politely giggle when she's asked "does she Netflix or does she chill?" and she responds with "Netflix and chill." We can nod like we care when she explains which Beyonce she'd dress as for Halloween -- "Destiny’s Child Survivor era with the army fatigues. Or maybe Bootylicious with the gold tooth and pink tips in my hair." -- and when she says whatever this is:
"What does fear taste like? Success. I have accomplished nothing without a little taste of fear in my mouth."
So yes, this is not the Beyonce that we deserve, and it's not the Beyonce we need, either. We're pretty unclear on why this is happening at all, really, but the point is that there's nothing we can do about it. Settle in, friends, because this is what life looks like now. May the force be with us all.
10/16/2015 10:00 AM PDT
What a blessed day this is, and what unbridled ecstasy your eyes must be feeling as they gaze upon this, a photo of the closest thing to a true goddess this world has ever had the undeserved pleasure to see: Beyonce. At least, it seems like that's what Beyonce would have us think anyway, because what is even happening with her these days? She hasn't released a new album since 2013, and she's only been featured on two songs this entire year. She was on the cover of September's issue of Vogue, but she never did an interview. It looks like she's pretty content to let us feast upon her image, but not her voice in nearly any form. Maybe she thinks it will generate more interest on the now rare occasions that she actually says words in public, but really all it does is make us want Queen Bey to give up her crown to a more worthy ruler.
But yes, this is Beyonce on the cover of this magazine called Beat. She does look gorgeous -- it is Beyonce, after all -- but as far as we can tell, there's no interview again. Maybe she's had a wicked case of laryngitis for the past several months, or maybe she's trying to read some books before she opens her mouth at us again. Maybe she knows she can make tons of money by just showing up somewhere and letting someone take a picture of her and doesn't care to do anything else. We can't be sure, but we can be sure of this: we are pretty much over it.
9/10/2015 7:30 AM PDT
It wasn't so long ago that Beyonce was singing about being horny and being on her knees in the back of a car, and we're super glad that she's cleaned up her act ... because it was getting pretty seedy, and nobody but nobody likes Seedy Beyonce.
Beyonce's latest photo shoot with Flaunt Magazine is anything but trashy -- yeah, she's showing off more skin than we're used to seeing from her, but it's way less than, say, Kylie Jenner shows off on a regular basis. Bey looks classy, and much like the Queen she professes herself to be.
Let's leave the 'Partition' out of this altogether from now on, huh, girl?
8/13/2015 9:00 AM PDT
Look, Beyonce was kind of cool back when she was in Destiny's Child, singing about bills and clubs and surviving, and she was even OK enough seven or eight years ago when she was giving all the single ladies their very catchy anthem, but it's 2015 now -- 16 years since most of the world became acquainted with Beyonce, 25 years since she first started grabbing at that spotlight -- and I think it's time to be done.
Vogue obviously disagrees, because they threw her on their September cover, wet hair and all. But oh, the overwhelming sadness.
In an odd movie, Vogue didn't release any Beyonce quotes as they released this cover, which makes it seem like Beyonce was open to making money by looking pretty and moving around some, but it was too far below her to actually speak with anyone. Maybe that's why she just did this terrible video instead. Seriously, what even is this? Is this supposed to be good? Are we supposed to enjoy this? It's a few random images and then a camera following Beyonce around a house while she does such interesting things like walking and rubbing her feet. Whatever happened to, I don't know, singing or acting like an actual human being? Or is Beyonce too far beyond that now?
6/11/2015 3:00 PM PDT
Beyonce posted this perfectly nice little swimsuit photo so that we all could appreciate, and that's sweet of her, it really is. She looks gorgeous, just like always, and this is more Beyonce boob than we're accustomed to seeing, so that's fun too. But seeing this photo, more than anything, just raises one question: why is Beyonce worshipped like a goddess when she still just pulls the same old trash as everyone else?
It's not that there's anything wrong with this photo, because there isn't. Beyonce is allowed to take whatever kinds of photos she wants. It's just that if anyone else were to take this exact same photo, it would produce a very different response. For some reason, Beyonce is seen as the ultimate in class, a real queen amongst all the commoners, and it's just nonsense. Yes, she's beautiful and talented and all those wonderful things, but so are a lot of other pop stars that get slammed for the same attention grabbing behavior that Beyonce is guilty of. It's not fair.
The fact is that it's time to admit that Beyonce is just another woman with talent who is still just as desperate as the rest of them. And if you disagree with any of this, if you still think that there's something about Beyonce that makes her irreproachable, then just remember that Beyonce once sang a song about her husband ejaculating on her. Case closed.