8/13/2015 9:00 AM PDT
Look, Beyonce was kind of cool back when she was in Destiny's Child, singing about bills and clubs and surviving, and she was even OK enough seven or eight years ago when she was giving all the single ladies their very catchy anthem, but it's 2015 now -- 16 years since most of the world became acquainted with Beyonce, 25 years since she first started grabbing at that spotlight -- and I think it's time to be done.
Vogue obviously disagrees, because they threw her on their September cover, wet hair and all. But oh, the overwhelming sadness.
In an odd movie, Vogue didn't release any Beyonce quotes as they released this cover, which makes it seem like Beyonce was open to making money by looking pretty and moving around some, but it was too far below her to actually speak with anyone. Maybe that's why she just did this terrible video instead. Seriously, what even is this? Is this supposed to be good? Are we supposed to enjoy this? It's a few random images and then a camera following Beyonce around a house while she does such interesting things like walking and rubbing her feet. Whatever happened to, I don't know, singing or acting like an actual human being? Or is Beyonce too far beyond that now?
6/11/2015 3:00 PM PDT
Beyonce posted this perfectly nice little swimsuit photo so that we all could appreciate, and that's sweet of her, it really is. She looks gorgeous, just like always, and this is more Beyonce boob than we're accustomed to seeing, so that's fun too. But seeing this photo, more than anything, just raises one question: why is Beyonce worshipped like a goddess when she still just pulls the same old trash as everyone else?
It's not that there's anything wrong with this photo, because there isn't. Beyonce is allowed to take whatever kinds of photos she wants. It's just that if anyone else were to take this exact same photo, it would produce a very different response. For some reason, Beyonce is seen as the ultimate in class, a real queen amongst all the commoners, and it's just nonsense. Yes, she's beautiful and talented and all those wonderful things, but so are a lot of other pop stars that get slammed for the same attention grabbing behavior that Beyonce is guilty of. It's not fair.
The fact is that it's time to admit that Beyonce is just another woman with talent who is still just as desperate as the rest of them. And if you disagree with any of this, if you still think that there's something about Beyonce that makes her irreproachable, then just remember that Beyonce once sang a song about her husband ejaculating on her. Case closed.
6/8/2015 5:00 AM PDT
Oh boy ... Beyonce's got some kind of "big announcement" she's going to make today on "Good Morning America," and we're just so excited that we're posting the trailer (??) for her appearance.
Our guesses are that she's either dropping another new album, or that she's going to give Blue Ivy a new brother or sister. It's not like she's going to hop on television show like GMA and announce a divorce or something, come on.
We get it, Bey -- you're thirsty for ... well, for whatever crumbs of attention you can get these days. It's OK; when the headlines are chock-full of Kardashians, we feel a little left out, too.
5/20/2015 2:00 PM PDT
Yesterday, we discussed Beyonce and Nicki Minaj's music video for their song "Feeling Myself," and we thought it was cute, remember? However, that was based on the teaser alone, the short little clip in which Beyonce and Nicki danced around and ate hamburgers. But it turns out that there might've been something not so great within the full length video, something to add on to the pile of evidence that Beyonce is not the perfect goddess so many believe her to be. Prepare yourselves, because there's a solid possibility that you're going to feel some rage.
In one scene, Beyonce poured a bottle of wine into a hot tub. That's absolutely ridiculous, of course, but it's also pretty whatever. Except some internet sleuths are speculating that the wine Beyonce poured out costs around $20,000. If that's true, that means that Beyonce blew tens of thousands of dollars, dollars that could have gone to something worthwhile, dollars that could very literally have saved someone's life, on one stupid little moment in a music video. And that's absurdly dumb.
We'd ask for Beyonce to do better, but is that a reasonable thing to hope for at this point?
Girl had better hope that those wine bottles were filled with water or something ... or her likability just went down the drain along with that overpriced fermentation.
Filed Under: Beyonce Knowles
5/19/2015 2:00 PM PDT
Here we have, in all of its adorable, hilarious glory, is the teaser for a music video with Beyonce and Nicki Minaj called "Feeling Myself." It's just a teaser because the full music video is only available on Tidal, Jay Z's music streaming service. It's a cute little attempt to get people to care about it, but really, you don't need to see the whole video. This little teaser is more than enough for everyone.
It's just ... burgers, guys, Beyonce and Nicki make burgers just the cutest thing. And Beyonce's dancing is unexplainably wonderful. It's a whole bunch of goodness right here, all right? And that's all you need to know.
4/1/2015 5:00 AM PDT
Let's be clear: Beyonce always, always looks amazing, no matter what she's wearing. Bey could pull on a pair of Hammer pants, a Hypercolor t-shirt, and saddle shoes with lacy Bobby socks, and she'd still look amazing, because she's Beyonce and she's gorgeous. But this? Gonna have to pass, thanks.
Verdict: Leave it. We're torn -- Bey can do most things, but this just isn't one of them (and to be fair, it's likely that no one else could, either).
3/31/2015 2:00 PM PDT
It's probably a little confusing, seeing this many powerful, beautiful lady singers all hugged up together, looking genuinely happy, like they're actually having a good time, but you're just going to have to deal, because it's true: Rihanna, Alicia Keys, Madonna, and Beyonce all got together at the launch of Tidal, a new music streaming site, and it was glorious.
But come on, guys, we're all adults here. You know where this is going ...