Emmy Nominations! Or "Why The Emmys Want to Make You Feel Pain"
Guys, the nominations for the 2013 Emmys were just announced! Get excited! This is the night that we get to watch, on TV, all the shows that we watch on TV get rewarded for their hard work ON TV. Not to mention all the pretty dresses. Does anybody else get embarrassingly excited to look at all the pretty dresses?
Here's the thing though: this year, the Emmys seem to have been designed to make you feel very intense feelings, because in nearly all the categories, they have impossibly loved actors and shows pitted against each other. Here, let's review the list, you'll see.
LEAD ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES
Hugh Bonneville, Downton Abbey
Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad
Jeff Daniels, The Newsroom
Jon Hamm, Mad Men
Damian Lewis, Homeland
Kevin Spacey, House of Cards
See, there you have Kevin Spacey against Bryan Cranston against Jon Hamm. NOT COOL. Which damaged character are we supposed to root for? What are we supposed to say when we imaginary hang out with the dudes who lose? "Sorry I didn't support you when you really needed me, sorry I cheered on your enemy, but can we still be friends?" WEAK.
LEAD ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES
Connie Britton, Nashville
Claire Danes, Homeland
Michele Dockery, Downton Abbey
Vera Farmiga, Bates Motel
Elisabeth Moss, Mad Men
Kerry Washington, Scandal
Robin Wright, House of Cards
OK, this one's a little easier. Obviously, Kerry Washington is going to win. Or no, wait, Claire Danes. Oh, but "Bates Motel" was pretty cool too, right? Curse you, Emmys, you've done it again!
OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES
Jonathan Banks, Breaking Bad
Bobby Cannavale, Boardwalk Empire
Jim Carter, Downton Abbey
Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones
Mandy Patinkin, Homeland
Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad
Let's say Mandy Patinkin, because if he won, perhaps he could sing us all a beautiful song to soothe our weary hearts. But Aaron Paul is so adorable. And Peter Dinklage is so great, and this is definitely going to get harder before it gets easier.
OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES
Morena Baccarin, Homeland
Christine Baranski, The Good Wife
Emilia Clarke, Game of Thrones
Anna Gunn, Breaking Bad
Christina Hendricks, Mad Men
Maggie Smith, Downton Abbey
Are they laughing at us? Are they trying to hurt us? Because with Christina Hendricks up against Maggie Smith, it's working.
OUTSTANDING COMEDY SERIES
The Big Bang Theory
Now, see, here's where it's more like choosing which one of your children is your favorite. You've got "The Big Bang Theory," which is obviously your nerdy and insanely lovable kid, then "Girls," your hipster teenager, and "Louie," your super funny middle-aged kid, and then, of course, there's your kid with Tina Fey in it. What is a responsible parent to do?
LEAD ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES
Jason Bateman, Arrested Development
Louis CK, Louie
Don Cheadle, House of Lies
Matt LeBlanc, Episodes
Jim Parsons, Big Bang Theory
Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock
No force on this earth can make your girl right here choose between Jim Parsons and Jason Bateman. The heartbreak of this is almost enough to make us forget that Max Greenfield, the most hilarious actor on "New Girl," didn't get a nomination. Almost.
LEAD ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES
Lena Dunham, Girls
Laura Dern, Enlightened
Tiny Fey, 30 Rock
Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie
Much like the previous category, that inner turmoil you feel about only one lady winning this category -- Laura Dern vs Tina Fey, are we really doing this? -- isn't quite intense enough for you not to realize how insane it is that Melissa McCarthy isn't on this list, too.
OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES
Adam Driver, Girls
Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Modern Family
Ed O'Neill, Modern Family
Ty Burrell, Modern Family
Bill Hader, Saturday Night Live
Tony Hale, Veep
We can all agree that "Modern Family" has the advantage here, but we should also be able to agree that Bill Hader deserves some recognition for bringing us so much joy over the years. Honestly, his "Stefon" character alone should win him this one.
OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES
Mayim Bialik, The Big Bang Theory
Jane Lynch, Glee
Sofia Vergara, Modern Family
Julie Bowen, Modern Family
Merritt Wever, Nurse Jackie
Jane Krakowski, 30 Rock
Anna Chlumsky, Veep
Blossom against Vada Sultenfuss? Hilarious, Emmys. Very, very funny.
Game of Thrones
House of Cards
It's too much, guys. It's just getting to be too much. Also, where's "Dexter"? Seriously, where is it?
OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTOR IN A MINISERIES OR A MOVIE
Michael Douglas, Behind The Candelabra
Matt Damon, Behind The Candelabra
Toby Jones, The Girl
Benedict Cumberbatch, Parade's End
Al Pacino, Phil Spector
Would it be weird to say that Benedict Cumberbatch should win this category based on the glory of his name and his hair alone? Would that be fair?
OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTRESS IN A MINISERIES OR A MOVIE
Jessica Lange, American Horror Story
Laura Linney, The Big C: Hereafter
Helen Mirren, Phil Spector
Sigourney Weaver, Political Animals
Elisabeth Moss, Top Of The Lake
Surely putting Laura Linney against Helen Mirren is breaking a law or a commandment or something, right? That can't be right. Can someone check on that?
OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A MINISERIES OR A MOVIE
Scott Bakula, Behind the Candelabra
James Cromwell, American Horror Story: Asylum
John Benjamin Hickey, The Big C: Hereafter
Peter Mullan, Top of the Lake
Zachary Quinto, American Horror Story: Asylum
Can we let Zachary Quinto win this one, please? It's just that he's so pretty. It's OK, Scott Bakula will understand.
OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A MINISERIES OR A MOVIE
Ellen Burstyn, Political Animals
Sarah Paulson, American Horror Story: Asylum
Charlotte Rampling, Restless
Imelda Staunton, The Girl
Alfre Woodard, Steel Magnolias
Yes, "Steel Magnolias"! Finally, Lifetime movies are getting the recognition they deserve! Lindsay Lohan still has hope!
OUTSTANDING MINISERIES OR MOVIE
"American Horror Story: Asylum"
"Behind the Candelabra"
"Top of the Lake"
Just give it to "Behind the Candelabra," maybe then Matt Damon and Michael Douglas can do something cute to take all this pain away.
OUTSTANDING HOST FOR A REALITY OR REALITY-COMPETITION PROGRAM
Ryan Seacrest, American Idol
Betty White, Betty White's Off Their Rockers
Tom Bergeron, Dancing With The Stars
Heidi Klum, Tim Gunn, Project Runway
Cat Deeley, So You Think You Can Dance
Anthony Bourdain, The Taste
Finally, an easy one. Because if Betty White doesn't win, the people are going to riot.
OUTSTANDING REALITY-COMPETITION PROGRAM
The Amazing Race
Dancing With The Stars
So You Think You Can Dance
Let's go with "The Voice" on this one, all right? Just so we can see Adam Levine douche all over the stage. The giggles will make all this so much easier.
OUTSTANDING VARIETY, MUSIC, OR COMEDY SERIES
The Colbert Report
The Daily Show with John Stewart
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Late Night With Jimmy Fallon
Real Time with Bill Maher
Saturday Night Live
Ugh, thank goodness, another easy one. Well, easier, anyway. Because at least if Stephen Colbert wins this one like he deserves to, John Stewart will be happy for him.
There now, we're done. Let your poor hearts rest a while, and then let's get into spirited discussions about all these wonderful shows. See you in the comments, friends!